Post Haste
by Frankie Beeblebrox
Summary: Our favorite author recieves a few letters from some of her most ardent fans. (Previously titled 'Mail Call') Please read and review!
1. Default Chapter

Dear Ms. Rowling,  
  
I hope this finds you well and enjoying life. I was delighted to hear you had a son recently, and I must give my congratulations on that as well. This newest addition to your family must have brought you and your husband much joy.   
  
I suppose you are wondering why I am writing this missive. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time now. I find myself waiting on pins and needles to see what adventures you will come up with next, You might even say my life hangs in the balance some days.   
  
To cut to the chase, I need your help. It's gotten rather desperate, here in the last few months. The situations I find myself in are becoming increasingly. . . abnormal. . .. and quite frequently, I feel as though I am no longer myself. It is beginning to worry me greatly.   
  
Of course, I am speaking of Fan Fiction. Through this medium, I have found myself in countless odd situations with even stranger outcomes. In the past week alone, I have aged well beyond my years, regressed into infancy, visited numerous places, saved the world, cheated death, faced down Voldemort more times than I can count and fallen in love with about 90% of the people I am acquainted with.   
  
This last bit is the most disturbing to me. You would not believe me if I told you some of the things I have been compelled to do recently with Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Cho, Draco, Professor Lupin, Snape, and even Professor Dumbledore. While some of these weren't so bad at the time, all are beyond my control and must be stopped for the sake of my sanity.   
  
This is where you can help me. I have heard that you are writing the next volume in my series, and I must ask you, for the love of everything good and holy, FINISH IT.   
  
I noticed when the last tome (I believe you titled it "Order of the Phoenix." Rather catchy, I thought.) was set before your readers, my friends and I were given a respite while they devoured your novel. It was a breath of fresh air, and I think I speak for everyone when I say it was greatly needed and appreciated.   
  
Since that time, however, the Fan Fiction has become even more prolific, sending me on more dangerous missions, placing me in more dire straits, and inserting me into more, how shall I say it. . . delicate situations. I don't know how much more I can take.   
  
On behalf of everyone here, I would like to urge you to finish the next installment as quickly as humanly possible. Quite honestly, I am at wits' end about the whole situation and can no longer hold myself responsible for my actions.   
  
Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter. I shall leave you now to continue your work.   
  
Best Regards,  
  
Harry Potter 


	2. Default Chapter II: Return of the Defaul...

_A/N: No, I don't own anything, this is not my doing. Due to popular demand, I was graciously allowed to print this letter, as well as the previous one. I take no responsibility for the contents of the letters, I just type them up and post them. _

Wotcher, Jo!   
  
Hope things are going well with you. I know Harry wrote you a while back about some of our concerns with the whole fan fiction phenomenon, but since we haven't heard back, I thought I'd bung you an owl as well.   
  
I've been reading some of the stuff people are coming up with lately (yes, I know you told us not to,) and they have raised some good questions, theories and scenarios about the future. With this in mind, I'd like to make a few suggestions for the next book.   
  
First and foremost is the matter of Fudge as Minister of Magic. Now, I know he's been discredited and so will likely resign (or get kicked out if I have anything to say about it), which means you'll be looking for a new Minister soon. Dumbledore'd obviously be the first choice, but I don't think he's too keen on the idea, which leaves you in a bit of a pinch. So I propose making my dad Minister. He's got the experience, the know how and the brains to be a good one. Besides, the look on Malfoy's face when he found out would be priceless.  
  
Second, the matter of me betraying Harry, Hermione, et al, and/or becoming a Death Eater. At first I thought it was just a couple of loonies out there who thought I was that much of a wanker, but it's been a very popular train of thought lately, (especially with fan fic,) and it's starting to worry me. I hope you realize this whole "going to the dark side" line of thought is complete bollox and I would never, ever do anything to hurt Harry or Hermione. . .right?   
  
Speaking of Hermione. . . what's going on there? I mean, I've been seeing a lot of rot lately with Hermione and Harry, Hermione and Malfoy, Hermione and Krum, Hermione and Snape (that was enough to put me off my lunch) and even Hermione and Padma Patil from Ravenclaw, though she laughed her head off at me when I mentioned that one to her. When we talked a while ago, you told me she thought I was a fit bloke and it was only a matter of time before. . .you know. What's going on? Does she still. . . y'know. . . yeah. I think it would be appreciated all around if that was clarified once and for all.   
  
By the way, thanks a bunch for getting me onto the Quidditch team and making me prefect and all. I do appreciate the note of confidence in my abilities. You know, Head Boy isn't all that out of line for a Weasley man, even if the last one made a complete botch of the notoriety. If nothing else I'd like to leave the school a good lasting impression of the Weasley name, and Gin (being female and all) has no chance of being Head Boy. Just a thought.   
  
Oh, and finally, I would like to make it absolutely clear I don't want to be offed. Lots of people have this theory I am going to either sacrifice myself nobly or else some Death Eater is going to track me down and do me in. (There was a brilliant essay I saw about how that chess game from first year was foreshadowing about the whole war. Amazing what they come up with, no?) While the whole self sacrificing thing wouldn't be as bad as the being mowed down bit, I still am bloody well certain I'd rather live through this, thanks. I don't care if you've already penned Malfoy, Bellatrix Black and Snake Boy appearing by my bedside in tutus, you can just retract that right now. I'm planning on watching the Cannons win at least five Quidditch Cups, and you can imagine how long that'll take.   
  
Look, I know your probably a touch busy, what with the baby and the new book, so I'll leave you with these to mull over for a bit. You know if you're ever at a loss for ideas, you can always floo me.   
  
Love,  
  
Ron 


	3. Default Chapter III: Son of Default Chap...

_A/N: After seeing the response for the other two, I was asked to post this one as well. I am sure he hopes to garner popular support through the internet._   
  
Joanne,   
  
How could you do this? What, in the name of Merlin, possessed you? I mean, I know we have had our disagreements before, but come on! Is this about the poker game? If it is, I'll give you the ten quid I owe you, I promise, just reconsider!   
  
Think of Harry. I know you have a soft spot in your heart for him, and he's now going through hell because of some petty grudge you're obviously holding against me. The kid has already lost his entire family, lived with Muggles his entire life (and rather rotten ones at that), realized the entire fate of the world rests on his shoulders, and NOW you kill me? Bit harsh if you ask me.   
  
Think of your fans! I've seen thousands of fan fiction writings where I have miraculously come back from the dead to help save the day at the end. I think they have a good point there. . . how could my being there hurt anything? Who knows, I might even HELP end the war! If they can do it, I can't see why you can't as well.   
  
Yes, I know you have said time and time again how you have the whole saga planned out in your head, but I still think it wouldn't take that much rewriting to bring me back through that blasted veil. You redid the entirety of Goblet of Fire and took out that Weasley cousin, Mafalda (which you know she's still rather miffed about. Can't say as I blame her, now I know how she feels), so I don't see how this would be much different.   
  
That Lovegood girl could hear voices on the other side, so I think you secretly WANT me back in the story, but are too stubborn to admit it. You always were harder to convince of something than a three headed runespoor.   
  
Anyway, whatever it is I did to upset you, I am sorry. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. We have known each other far too long to let something like my death come between us, but I feel rather lost. Please contact me shortly (I suppose either by owl or Medium, depending on how funny you're trying to be) so we can sit and talk in person.   
  
Well, sort of in person. Damnation. You know what I mean, just get in touch with me soon.   
  
Yours,  
  
Sirius   
  
PS Ask Remus to take the tenner out of the safe in my room. He knows where it is.   
  
PPS Give Harry a hug for me and tell him I'll see him soon.   
  
PPPS On second thought, don't tell Harry I'll see him. He might take that the wrong way. 


	4. Default Chapter IV: Bride of Default Cha...

_A/N: Wow! Many heartfelt thanks for the reviews from all of us here. After some cajoling (and a lot of sangria), I was asked to post this one as well. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did.   
_  
Dearest Joanne,  
  
How are things in England this time of year? Barbados is excellent. You really should think about coming here on holiday in the future. There is nothing more relaxing than the sound of the surf crashing on the sand.   
  
By the way, thank you ever so much for the owl you sent on my birthday. The treacle fudge was most appreciated. You obviously know me far too well.  
  
How is the new book coming along? I must say I have enjoyed reading the series greatly, and am quite looking forward to the new installment. Isn't there to be another movie shortly? I must say, casting Alan Rickman was a stroke of brilliance. The resemblance is uncanny, is it not?

I read the missives from Potter, Weasley and Black a short time ago complaining about their treatment from some people in the realm of fan fiction, and found them to be quite. . . predictable.   
  
I will be the first to admit, there are certain situations and circumstances I would gladly change were I given the choice, but do they not understand that it is incomparably flattering to have thousands of tales written about you day after day? Hundreds of pages dedicated to our lives and adventures?   
  
Apparently not.   
  
I don't want to turn this into an "I told you so" but, did I not warn you that fame would go to their heads if you gave them too loose a rein? Young Potter, in particular, seems to be having a field day with the notoriety. I have actually caught him practicing autographs with that twit Lockhart. The sheer audacity of it was enough to bring me up short.   
  
I have, of course, tried my best to keep him in line and make sure he does not overstep himself, but you know how difficult he can be. Like father like son. Perhaps you could speak to Dumbledore about keeping him in closer check? I am sure it would be appreciated by all here.   
  
Also, have you found a replacement for the Umbridge woman? I know of an exceptionally talented candidate for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, should you need any suggestions.   
  
I know you are insurmountably busy, so I shall make this quick. Enjoy the summer months and I shall hope to hear from you again shortly.   
  
All the Best,  
  
Severus Snape  
  
PS: Thank you for recommending the new hair potion. I was looking for some time for an alternative to Sleekeasy's! Wherever did you find it?


	5. Default Chapter V: I Was a Teenage Defau...

_**A/N: A truly brilliant reviewer out there who's probably sitting in a TV station with a Kia and a cat convinced the author of this letter to let me post it.   
**_  
Jo,  
  
All right then. I have a very, very serious issue here, and I want to know how you are going to resolve it. Now.   
  
No, I don't care about people putting me into their stories. Like Professor Snape, I find it rather flattering that they think of me at all, the whole eight times I am mentioned in the series.   
  
All the rest of them, with their bloody whining and carrying on about "Oh, I have to have a relationship with someone!" or "Oh, I never know what's going to happen to me next" or "Oh, look at me, I'm dead!" make me sick. They have absolutely no idea how hard this is to deal with. At least _they_ are set in one body for the whole time.   
  
Don't play innocent with me, I know you know what I am talking about. The question of my gender has come up more than once, and it's only gotten worse the longer you have let the matter slide.   
  
I have been everything from male to female to a hermaphrodite to a purple monkey, and I am bloody well sick of it.   
  
I think you **OWE** me an explanation, Jo. Actually, I think you owe everyone involved an explanation, and put it into simple words so no one will be able to quibble with them. The situation is becoming most desperate, and, as the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures.   
  
By the end of the month, I want a set gender, Jo. I want a definite and concrete sex to be placed for me, I want the world to know about it, and I want it NOW.   
  
I don't want to have to resort to drastic measures, such as flashing large amounts of the public at the upcoming convention in Canada, but I will if pressed.   
  
I shall hope to hear from you, one way or another, soon. Until then I will remain. . .  
  
Respectfully Yours,   
  
_ Blaise Zabini_


	6. Default Chapter VI: Second Cousin of Def...

**_A/N: Had to post this response as well. HE insisted. Was up crying with joy most of the night, actually. . . saying something about "finally, it all makes sense. . . "_**   
  
Dear Patrons of FanFiction.net,  
  
I wanted to express my heartfelt thanks for your support during this most. . . confusing of times. For the last seven years, I have lived a life in limbo, and you, dear readers, were instrumental in helping to establish my. . . identity.   
  
For those who have not heard, after reading my previous letter, Jo immediately flooed me and apologized profusely, assuring me that she had never thought of the disastrous situations leaving me without a distinct gender could bring to myself and my fellow Hogwarts associates.   
  
Since then, she has contacted the Portuguese translators for the stories and assured them that I AM MALE.   
  
Ye gods, does that sound wonderful. I think I shall say it again. I am male. I AM male. I'm a guy.   
  
Oh yeah. . . this is good.   
  
Though, there are going to be drawbacks. Suddenly, I have found myself in numerous Slash ships with a bunch of different people, not to mention the fact that I am now in drag quite frequently. Oh well. I think it's going to be worth it.   
  
After all. I'm a guy. I can wear a dress with pride, and FINALLY be assured of my masculinity. Hell, I can even use the loo without fear of being kicked out or given detention!   
  
So there we go. Mystery solved. Again, thank you very, very, VERY much for your help in this matter.   
  
Now, if you will excuse me, there is an extremely attractive Ravenclaw girl over there I have been dying to talk to for ages. . . and now we all know where I stand in the universe.   
  
Warmest Wishes,   
  
_ Blaise (The Man) Zabini _


	7. Default Chapter VII: Default Chapter Fro...

_**A/N: Yup, he wanted this one up to. I told him to give up the ghost (no pun intended) but hey. . .   
**_  
Joanne,  
  
Okay, Now I **KNOW** you're reading these. Zabini has been parading around here offering to show his newly acquired "assets" to anyone and everyone who will look, so I know you have the power to help me out here. You know what I am talking about.  
  
Obviously this isn't just about the poker game. Fine. I am assuming Remus gave you the ten quid, so we'll call that even. What the hell else can I do to show you what a mistake you've made? Should I start citing stories online that show me being cleared of all wrong-doing and getting married? Having kids?   
  
Come **ON**, Jo. After 12 years in Azkaban, fleas and having to see Snape in swim trunks (yes, that dog in the pool when he was on vacation last time was me.) I think **YOU** owe **ME** a couple of favors.   
  
Oh, and don't play that "Resurrection Handbook" crap on me any more. I got a copy of it owled from Flourish and Blotts last week and **NOWHERE** does it say that anyone who is brought back from the dead is a zombie and therefore evil. I don't care what Stephen King says, it's not true.   
  
How about this? If you don't want to bring me back, at least chuck a couple of models through the veil in the Ministry of Magic. I don't think it would make up for everything, but it wouldn't hurt. If nothing else, it would keep me occupied for a while.   
  
I prefer brunettes. With green eyes.   
  
So, think it over. I am sure you'll come to the right conclusion sooner or later. I'll be here if you want to talk anything over.   
  
It's not like I have anywhere to **GO** anymore, now is it?   
  
Yours,  
  
_Sirius_


End file.
